What You Need to Have a Poly Relationship

Yes...poly takes time, orchestration, adjustments, tons of open and honest communication...tho not too much different than two person intimate relationships or in non-intimate friendships….if we are honest about it, if we look more closely at what is driving those relationships and what holds them together. And we have to unlearn jealousy, issues with body image, being right, scoring and competition, blame, and insecurity if we want them to survive and do so in a healthy manner beneficial to each person in the relationship...and as a whole (everybody part of it as a kind of unit).

For most relationships ...they seem to happen ‘naturally’ and ‘spontaneously’ and last as long as there are not major or blown out of proportion conflicts where at those times each person starts to look more closely to what is happening in the relationship as part of the effort to hope to resolve it.

The most important keys to a healthy and successful long term poly relationship setup include:

1. Honesty...no underlying motives, no lies, no fibbing, but open to talk about just about anything within the boundaries pertaining to agreements of what can be shared.

2. Open Communication....not waiting to communicate....not being afraid to talk about issues or just stuff….and talking about issues as they arise and not when they have been boiling over time where they have already started to reshape the quality of the relationships. It means communicating about who one is seeing, what each is doing, how long to be gone, when the next time frame to spend together will happen, and can include, if agreed and comfortable with such information, what each did with another. Communication with orchestration...not just haphazardly expecting some sort of automatic acceptance about what is going on, playing ‘this is not my place’ or ‘I can’t ask about that’ games. Poly demands that nothing is assumed, but rather that each person has a pretty clear idea of what's going on...thoughts, feelings, needs, etc of each person. It means talking to each other….much in the same manner you might with all your friends.

3. Boundaries...knowing within what boundaries this can all work....what sex with and without safety is allowed (that idea of who you can be fluid with and how exclusive the group is to maximize safety), time frame needs so each have time to be with another that is not rushed....for example, knowing Phil will be with Mary this weekend and I have with him Monday and Tuesday, what is open for discussion, quality, depth, space where time is spent, what is allowed to occur in spaces, and setting boundaries on issues like jealousy (for me...I tell my partners that I don't and that they won't entertain jealousy, but focus who they are without a focus on comparisons being made or pitfalls flooding their minds while they are with another).

I look at poly this way....I have non-sexual friends each of whom get a version of whatever we discuss and with whom, individually or together, I will spend time with often in planned intervals of time. There's never the reaction like 'So John....is there something going on.....because last weekend you spent the whole weekend with Jill. I thought I was your best friend and that we would be doing more time together. So what's up....am I not your best friend anymore?' - which is sort of similar to what does happen a lot between couples... "So honey...you've been spending a lot of time with Dave...am I not enough for you?" You see that none of your friends are complaining about who is or isn't enough, nor likely to be competing against each other...and that's how it should work with closer and sexual relationships. But it usually doesn't unless it's designed in with a clear set of boundaries and communication...along with honesty.

The nutshell is....you love what you have with your primary partner and each of you wants more of that sort of relationship, with a few other things you don't have going on, that's long term while at the same time allowing you to keep what you’ve both created for the both of you that you both enjoy.

When I had four running relationships along side of a long term mono/poly relationship which all started because of mutual attraction and that we all had something in common: a bdsm focus....each knew the names of the others, they all coordinated time with me inline with their time needs to spend with the others in their own lives, we drew boundaries of the details to share between each other's other relationships, we took up problems as they rose, we made adjustments. But it also worked because each person had a need to be with another for a different reason and set of needs than what others wanted. Each had tight time frame needs that made it all work and personal responsibilities that could be worked around. I had developed each relationship keeping fit in mind for all of us. We didn't share the same space, but rather got together in other spaces. One was a salesperson and gone a lot, one was a single parent with demanding responsibilities of being so, another was married and had just had a baby, and another was a teacher. Having all those relationships...I was also in a relationship with a gal who was monogamous to me that was approaching 5 years. We didn't hold secrets or grudges. We limited the insecurities and questions to maintain the quality of the poly arrangement. We worked on making this happen. Our next step was living in the same house...but that fell through as everyone's schedules were impacted by work and new responsibilities, but we all did want that. For some...there was some fear, but we discussed it and fought through it. Eventually we split off and went our own ways. The poly thing worked for as long as it could, but each person’s own life was being further impacted by issues not related to the poly thing, but had been taking it’s toll upon the arrangement. That was ok. Sometimes the path of life changes and you just have to move on. I remain poly to this day and have a mono/poly long term relationship once again. 

Tim Ferris talks about setting out to "design your life" in his book "4-Hour Work Week". He doesn’t talk about poly relationships, but certain points in his book can be converted to better understanding what needs to be in place for poly relationships to work well. 

Similar to 'working' on being a couple....poly is that integration of being more acute about the dynamics of such a relationship. It means seeking to be informed and able to communicate what is observed during the design of a poly relationship. It means making the effort to manage it and making the necessary adjustments to assure the health and quality of the arrangement....the best matches possible for each person's needs.

If I were to use the "DEAL" format from Tim Ferris's book it might go like this:

1. Define what you want, set rules and boundaries such that if another person looked at what you were attempting to create, what you have achieved...they could then see why and how it is working as a unit.

2. Eliminate what isn't 'really' important....deal only with the stronger specifics of what is needed for this poly thing to work for everyone such as determining the quality of time intervals spent with others. Time is a bit of a killer...because abandonment thoughts and feelings can grow like wildfire if left wandering. Determine what is critical and not so critical, what might be alarming and what is not to be worried about.

3. Automation....you don't have to discuss everything nor get all that you need from all the other partners....some decisions will be made privately with only those whom such decisions apply to. While you've designed and re-designed the relationships...there are going to be parts of that design that will only apply to certain people. In effect....the only time you have to outsource your problems and issues to others is when you have run out of objectivity because your involvement is clouding your mind a bit. The poly relationship is a bunch of boxes...some have the names of one person on them, others have contents in the box that only apply between two people, and still others have contents that apply to all the names on the box.

4. Liberation happens once the designed-in parts works like a machine....the bonds are clearly defined, what's given is understood, what isn't shareable is known, the limitations/boundaries are well known and infused as if connected together to make up a string, and the relationships are running a course that feels natural and spontaneous. At this point the relationships are mobile such that you don't have to think much of what is going on between them nor think about who to include in decisions....they are an integrated whole. Each has become part of the design such that if one part breaks...the rest of it will come to aid, if that's the decision, and work to resolve the issues to repair the relationships.

I remember the one rule of a married couple (who had kids and were raising a family together) where both were poly, have long standing relationships with others and of which much of the partnering had intense sets of responsibilities each in their own lives, some of where each had to attend to their established family activities and links with their extended families unrelated to their poly arrangements. The rule they both agreed on that held their own relationship together and best fit those they were poly with was this one item they found worked for them:  Be home by midnight.

In long term poly there is that idea of how to help each other and in what areas...things like health needs, paying the bills, family responsibilities, retirement issues, working around work, vacation decisions, holidays, chores, dreams, futures, friends, projects, etc. These are all the components that also exist for those in two person relationships. To what level of responsibility are you willing to get yourself into with each person you are involved with? That needs to be determined as part of the design of the whole poly integration.

A book I recommend is "The Ethical Slut: A guide to infinite sexual possibilities" by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt. Some points from book include:

• Don’t deprive others, ask what they need or if they would like this or not. 
• Arrange what you do with another, if in the same space as the others, in the manner that those being around find comfortable of what it is you are doing with the person you are spending time with there 
• Know who gets along with which others. Be aware that when you leave one with another where maybe they don’t get along that well, but where they both know what they do love about the poly thing are for other good reasons, that they don’t feel too uncomfortable being around each other. Try to limit discomfort. Talk about it. Come up with where else they can be.
• Be reasonable....don't do things that you know drive another up the wall outside what you have designed. 
• Don't communicate more than what has been agreed upon. Stay within the boundaries set. 
• Adhere to your boundaries...don't go outside them since doing so can, for example, bust trust, start insecurities, and create questionable scenarios of what is unknown. 
• You don't have to like each other, but all of you should be able to reasonably get along without causing the kind of stress that leads to a break-off. This area is critical as to how well the 'glue' you’ve each determined is working that holds all of you in place. 
• If you've come to spend time with another partner after spending time with another....neither of you should expect an immediate switch over….so be aware of how tight the scheduling is, time needed to relax into the next meeting. 
• Limit anger, what was repeated again that you thought was or wasn't said with another. Be aware as best you can with what was discussed when and with who. Try to limit criss-crossing of information being shared. 
• Don't expect love to happen in each of the relations, but realize that for some love isn't the glue factor for them to be in the relationship and that that is ok. 
• Learn to adapt to each other's personality differences...this is why 'fit' is all important. It's hard to have the right fit...so be upfront with what each of you hope to achieve...realize different personalities might be more the sauce that makes for a better fit. 
• Encourage that everyone 'owns' the decisions they make and make as a group. 
• Try to unlearn jealousy, issues with body image, being right, scoring and competition, blame, insecurity ....all these can break up relationships or at least cut into the quality of the relationships. You want to work on what holds relationships together. Make that call-out when one of these rears its ugly head. Don’t wait. Determine the dynamics of each of these issues so you can best recognize them early on and see how they might be affecting the relationships. 
• Be ok with realizing that this particular poly thing isn’t working for you. Open to discuss leaving. Don't play the hurt game.
• Allow yourself to explore, to ask questions, to bring up subjects perhaps hard to explain 
• Try not to be so hard on yourself 
• Limit judgment unless you have a damn good reason that will better hold the relationship once resolved. Unwarranted judgments can lead to uninformed scenarios….the guessing of what might be going on. 
• Don't rush things, but take the time to develop relationships. Work on one issue at at time and as they come up. 
• Say something when you think what's going on is problematic....don't wait. 
• Don't be careless, reckless or insensitive in your relationships. 
• Don't just focus on oneself....you're designing a relationship with others that you want and need to work well.
• Work toward resolve....a 'yes', an understanding and the definitive 'no', but where the final decision or conclusion still still retains the ‘glue’ that keeps the poly thing working well for others. 
• Learn to be ok with seeing your partner with others. Learn to hold that what you have with a partner is special between the two of you....that what your partner holds with another is between them. 
• Recognize when it seems paths are widening between each other rather than coming together or staying on the same path ...and then say something about it. Poly changes....a partner leaves, another is added or one determines they need to be without an intimate partner for a bit, or that they are between partners. 
• Determine if you want a closed poly group or an inclusive one (adding or subtracting partners as you move forward). 

In my present relationship....penetrative and oral sex is reserved for my primary as are certain things only her and I like to do together. Know what those are in the relationships you put together. If the idea is agreeable to have and to share similar things with others....and that works...do it, but if not then accept that. Choreograph the design along the way with individual needs alongside the total relationship.

Most importantly….realize that what you share with another is a different sequence string of same or similar information you have shared with another. The dynamics are different enough from one person to the next and that your time with another is original because the connotations and histories and all that is shared is understood differently when with one partner or with another. 

A sight to check is Loving More. Goodreads is a great source for books on these matters. Take a listen to an episode of Polychat on sleeping with other partners....tho the video covers areas in a poly relationship that can be difficult to manage. 

And remember...as with any relationship...it’s a learning thing, a work-at-it thing. Take the time to explore and don’t forget to have a bit of fun in it all. You might be surprised to learn that for as much work as poly can be....you have the best of what multiple relationships offer that also hold the relationship you started with when you entered into a poly relationship.